Archive for the 'Disgusting' Category

Fish Avalanche-Assorted

fish sends in:

DATA DUMP EDITION [PP adds that we thank fish for providing]

Here I am doing the work so you don’t have to.

Mountain Dew recently released 3 new flavors for me to poop on for people to vote on.

I have secured all forms and rate them thus:

Mountain Dew Distortion (http://www.bevreview.com/2010/04/26/mountain-dew-distortion/)- I bought this thinking the bottle was green.

I was wrong.

Remember when your mom bought store-brand lemon-lime soda and swore it was just as good as Sprite? It had a highly unnatural green color, tasted nothing like lime, and had a disturbing effect on your vision and hearing?

This isn’t as good as that.

Mountain Dew Typhoon (http://www.bevreview.com/2010/05/04/mountain-dew-typhoon/)- This is a stealth beverage. Pepsico is pretending this is not Mountain Dew Game Fuel (http://www.mountaindewgamefuel.com/). It is. That said, it is a completely artificial, over-sweet fruit punchy sugar and caffeine concoction.

I love it.

Mountain Dew White Out (http://www.bevreview.com/2010/04/28/mountain-dew-white-out/)- As a kid I loved Fresca. I loved grapefruit flavored soda, even when it was sweetened with ass-tastic saccharine. A whole new world opened up when a buddy of mine introduced me to Squirt (http://www.drpeppersnapplegroup.com/brands/squirt/), which had real sugary goodness to add to my love of grapefruit soda (as an aside, Googling “Squirt” at work; not recommended). Think of the anticipatory joy I experienced when I learned not only could I have the beloved sugar, but CAFFEINE too! Alas, white out was apparently a reference to what they did to the flavor. It is like eating the white chocolate skittles, not offensive, but you are forgetting what you are doing as you are doing it.

Final recommendation: Go find a reserve cache of Mountain Dew Pitch Black (http://www.bevreview.com/2004/08/23/review-mountain-dew-pitch-black/)

Now on to candy:

Reese’s Whipps (http://www.candybarlab.com/2008/02/09/review-reeses-whipps/)- As a lover of everything peanut butter, I thought this would be totally awesome. A light as air peanut butter center inside a chocolate covering. Little did I know this was a 3 Musketeers trojan horse. If you do a cross-section of the candy bar, you can see 3 thin layers of peanut butter around a typical offensive 3M center. Total BS. DO NOT EAT!

Coconut M&M’s (http://www.mms.com/us/about/products/coconutmms/) – I do not like coconut, so I outsourced evaluation to Dr. Mrs. fish, who (to my horror) shared them with several of her friends. Universal reaction= WOOOHOOO!!!!!! Humena humena humena AAAAAAOOOOGGGGAAAAAA!!!!! [PP adds- no real coconut at all, but I love them too. For shame Kathleen.]

I think that is a yes.

Milky Way Simply Caramel (http://foodbizdaily.com/articles/93416-product-milky-way-simply-caramel-bar-by-mars-snackfood.aspx)- The only flaw with a Milky Way? Too much of the offensive 3M center. So what to do? ELIMINATE ALL OF IT!!!! Discovering the Milky Way Simply Caramel is a bit like discovering masturbation. I will be returning to it again as soon as possible…

Mandos Guest Post-Yuppie Hippie Bars (Assorted)

Mandos writes:

I have recently been testing yuppie-wannabe-hippy food bars recently, the kind that Whole Foods sells in place of Snickers, etc.

My first impression is, of course, “Why?” All three I have tried so far are grosser than any other granola bar I’ve eaten, and far inferior to raw fruit. And yet, they are enormously pricier, and I see people with cases of them in their offices. Nevertheless, they definitely have their differences.

The first: Lärabar. I can’t remember what flavour it was, and I only ate it two days ago. It was probably “””apple””” “””pie””” or “””pecan””” “””pie”””. Like all Lärabars (see photos on their web site), it is a nondescript brown bar that frankly reminds me of a turd. There’s nothing about it that says, “eat me”. The flavour: some kind of slightly bitter cardboard. Really, it’s like Newton’s head got hit by the apple before he ended up around the fig. Fig Newton without flavour. Verdict: I’d say it was disgusting but it didn’t taste like anything so I can’t even say that.

The next: Clif Nectar cacao bar. This seemed so much more promising than the Lärabar. After all, who could mess up chocolate? More purple than a typical turd (maybe one with melena?), it had a more promising consistency than the Lärabar. Alas, no such luck! At least the Lärabar had the courtesy of tasting like the bitter ashes of emptiness. This one was actively offensive. Chocolate Skittles are too treyfy for me to eat, but this is what I imagine the food bar version of them tastes like. Verdict: disgusting, avoid.

Finally, Raw Revolution. This one was the hippiest of them, and the one most reliant on dishonest Ghost Melon marketing strategies with the oh-so-Ché font and red star. The advertisement of “organic sprouted flax seeds” did not look promising—mmm, must taste like hay or alfalfa, I thought. I got the chocolate chip cookie dough flavour. Unwrapped it: consistency of Lärabar, colour of diarrhoea [this is worse than UC with the Canadianensiasosis-ed]. But surprisingly: not bad. It did not taste like hay or what poop must taste like. Actually tasted like hippified chocolate chip cookie dough. Edible. Verdict: mildly delicious, even with the organic flax seed abortions.

So in sum, none of these things are worth the price. They are clearly food for pretentious Whole Foods yuppies. No child would be fooled, for certain. A certain person remarked to me that they were food for “human parakeets”, which sounds about right.

Raw Revolution is vaguely acceptable, but I’ll stick with the salted cashew granola bars for now—cheaper and deliciouser and less pretentious.

Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos

Another 7-11 special, as to be expected.

1) You will eat the entire bag.

2) You will lose a certain amount of respect for yourself.

1)+2)=3) Obviously, disgustamaliciously grossomaddictive.

I expect it to be an MSG related phenomenon.

My heart is just not in this. The Onion has taken my spirit.

We’ve withheld 6 types of Pringles posts from you because of the current situation of feeling Eeyore. And that is a lot of crap we ate!

Skittles Chocolate Mix

Fish sends us a vending machine adventure. I encourage him to bring these to his next lab meeting for the punishment of Dr. Yin and Dr. Yang.

Fish writes:

New! Skittles Chocolate Mix:

[PP adds: I have obtained these as well, and shall follow along]

There is a vending machine outside my office. I love
that vending machine. Recently the machine contained
something strange and new. It contained these:

chocolate_skittles_mix.jpg

Confused by the apparent paradox that these little
candies represented (chocolate candies are a
non-overlapping set with jelly beany candies), I had
to try them. How bad could they be.

Right?

So there are 5 flavors included in the bag. I will
discuss them individually.

1) Vanilla: You might ask why a bag of candy labeled
“Chocolate Mix” would have vanilla as one of the
flavors. Vanilla is, after all, not chocolate. In
fact, it could be considered not-chocolate, the very
essence of anti-chocolate. Just one more koan
represented by this product. The candies were white,
and when I ate them, it was if I was eating a crunchy,
chewy, nothing. They were completely neutral in
flavor. No hint of any commitment to flavor at all. It
was like you were chewing Switzerland, without the
great skiing.

[PP adds: more disgusting than nothing, but I can somehow see myself forgetting and eating another one]

2) S’mores: It is difficult to wrap your head around
the concept of graham cracker, marshmallow and
chocolate flavors all swirled into a chewy candy. It
is also difficult for the army of chemists at Mars
Snack Foods Inc., for none of those particular flavors
are present in this light-brown colored candy. Its
flavor compares favorably to licking someone’s butt,
but doesn’t fare quite so well in comparisons to say,
food.

[PP adds: Agreed. I’m beginning to regret this “eat along with Fish” exercise]

3) Chocolate Caramel: These were the best tasting
candies in the bag. This is much like saying Jonah
Goldberg is the smartest writer at NRO.

[PP adds: Agreed, OK yet somehow plasticky in a way you never notice with ultra-fake fruity flavors]

4) Chocolate Pudding: I can’t believe I put those in
my mouth. As a side note, I can say with a high degree
of certainty that I have said that sentence way
too many times in my life.

[PP adds: these might be good, or maybe the plasticky poison nanobots have reached my brain]

5) Brownie Batter: If you see me eating any of these,
shoot me, because I have rabies.

[PP adds: I’m going to murder Fish. The problem is not the taste of the flavoring, which you can isolate in the aftertaste (good job, food scientists), it is the burnt plastic taste of the actual Skittle portion. I will somehow finish the entire bag. And I will buy some for UC!!]

Egg Nog

fminus2002443161004.gif

Keep crawling away my friend.  I think you have the right idea.  I mean seriously people.  Take disgustingly rich whole milk, add disgusting additional milk fats, and then lots and lots of raw egg.  Oh yeah, that sounds good.  Sure there are some interesting spices and alcohol to make you try not to puke right away, but there’s nothing good about egg nog.

As an additional note, everyone here should read F Minus on a daily basis.  It is wonderfully inventive, subservise, and wickedly funny.  I can’t think of a comic strip that makes me laugh out loud more any day.  And yes, that includes Get Fuzzy.

Smirnoff Raw Tea

OK, boys and girls. Here’s my advice to you: If you are ever in a dodgy Fenway Park area sports bar and order Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice and they tell you that they are out, but wouldn’t you like to try out the new Smirnoff Raw Tea, run. Don’t even look at the bottle. I made the mistake of thinking, sure, why not. I took one tentative sip and I almost gagged. It is the taste of sickeningly sweet iced tea with the most horrible artificial flavouring known to mankind. The bottle informed me that there was about 5% alcohol in the product, but I couldn’t taste any past the sickitude of the sweetness. I understand it comes in other flavours outside of lemon, but I can’t possibly imagine that they wouldn’t be even more disgusting. Just a shame. If, instead, they took the recipe of Nantucket Nectar’s Half and Half, and made a quality malt beverage from that, I think they might have a winner. But this is a clear loser.

Which brings me to the amusing part of all of this. Apparently, I was not among the one million plus people to see the latest marketing shenanigan associated with the new beverage, namely a viral video posted to YouTube, and targetting preppies and WASPs throughout the New England area (AG, this vid’s for you!). The video is kind of funny if it were simply a lame-ass spoof of gangsta rap videos, but it’s not really funny. It’s an ad. And it’s offensive. The video (hopefully successfully embedded below) features the fake group called Prep Unit and they are rapping about throwing a Tea Partay. Prep Unit raps, “We may be vanilla, but our labs are chocolate…”. I would offer them the alternative rap, “We may be making an advertisment, but our product is shite”. Sigh. This is putridly bad, so I guess it’s kind of funny, but I am sad. I honestly don’t think we’re horribly far from all entertainment being a marketing gimmick.

Oh yeah. Verdict: Disgusting. Really really disgusting.

UPDATE: Feminine Mistake has correctly revealed the progenitor of this incredibly successful yet lame ass advertisement to be the superior and more shocking Boyz in the Hood parody by Dynamite Hack

Pretzel Fillers® – Sweet Cream Cheese

The encyclopedia of atrocity can be found here.

pretfillers.jpg

Let me first say that this product is by the company that also makes the venerable Super Pretzel.  Listen.  I love Super Pretzels, and while not as huge as the ones you can get from street vendors in NYC, the standard what I used to consider Bradlees or Caldor variety Super Pretzel (a childhood memory) were always great, mostly because they weren’t stale or too hard like some vendor ones.  I still enjoy the odd Super Pretzel now and again. I get the salted but rub most of it off for the right amount of blood pressure stimulation. The key to the Super Pretzel is it tastes like a pretzel.  Of course various other varieties of “pretzel” are delicious, especially the ol’ Auntie Annie’s cinnamon and sugar, but that’s really a pretzel shaped breadstick, OK?  It’s apples and bananas on this one.  Since I am kept in a refigerator at work, I walk down to the cafeteria to get an afternoon snacko.  Mostly to warm up.  Anyhoo, my usual Super Pretzel (actually I just had my first one in a long time last week) was replaced by a grab bag of these.  Well, I wasn’t quite sure what these were.  There was a non-descript card that had the image above on it, I didn’t read about the “sweet dream cream” or WTF, and since the things pictured were of a more savory variety, I grabbed the one that was clearly not pizza or leaky cheese goo.  So when I bit into my pretzel and something with the consistency of warm Colgate kind of splooged out, I once again realized that marketers hate America.  They want us to be obese, gimmick obsessed braindeads.  I just wanted a g*dd*amned Super Pretzel, not a toothpasty bowtie shaped Combo from Hell.  “Pretzel Fillers.”  I’m so glad you trademarked it because my colon is now filled and in the shape of a pretzel and I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.  Thank you.  Take your loaded bread wang elsewhere, J and J foods.  For shame.