Archive for the 'Delicious followed by mind control' Category

fish Hates Pinko

BIAS DETECTED. For our readership with the ability to not have their tastebuds concern trolled:

Tis the season to make PP rend his garments in anguish and to make Jennifer force gustatory horrors on her family in the name of SCIENCE.

As every true Trader Joe’s fanatic knows, the holiday season is the best time of year at TJ’s. Just walking past the imported Belgian chocolate and cranberry caramel popcorn adds 500 calories to your daily diet. So I will review some of the new findings just to make GC drive from Honeybun to St. Louis on an obsessive trip to the nearest Trader Joe’s.

1) Trader Joes Eggnog Almonds (http://www.traderjoes.com/fearless-flyer/article.asp?article_id=357)

I ate one of these and immediately hated it. So I ate another. I hated that one too. I ate another [ad infinitum] until they were gone. Trainspotting for suburbanites. Do not eat as they bring only shame in the morning.

2) Trader Joe’s Cocoa Almond Spread (http://cooktj.com/content/cocoa-almond-spread)

Is it an iPhone Nutella slayer? No. Does it make your toes curl a bit? Yes. Is there a way to knock yourself unconscious with pleasure using this? See below.

3) Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter (http://blisstree.com/eat/nutrition/trader-joes-cookie-butter-nutrition-facts-539/)

This is a big hit in the fish house, although on its own, I am not the biggest lover of it. Imagine turning a gingerbread man into butter and spreading it on your toast. That is what this tastes like. However, if you take a McVities Digestive and spread both the Cocoa Almond Spread and the Cookie Butter on it, I cannot be held responsible for the results (http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01157/SNN0537C–380_1157831a.jpg).

4) Trader Joe’s Astounding Multi-Flavored Joe Joes (http://www.traderjoes.com/fearless-flyer/article.asp?article_id=363)

This is really four reviews in one. You open the box and there are four sleeves of cookies inside.

The first contains chocolate flavored Joe Joes covered in chocolate and crushed peppermint candy canes. Several in the fish house hold these in high regards. That is because they are insane. Unless the thought of chocolate toothpaste is appealing to you, I can see no reason to mix chocolate and peppermint. Blech. I will not entertain arguments on this. If you disagree, you are insane.

The second sleeve contains chocolate flavored Joe Joes with peanut butter filling dipped in chocolate. I am a HUGE lover of chocolate and peanut butter as a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups obsession nearly ended my life, but these are just okay. I would eat the whole box if they where the only option, but thankfully there are better choices.

The third sleeve contained chocolate flavored Joe Joes with chocolate filling and covered with chocolate. These are in the OMG CHOCOLATE I LOVE YOU TRADER JOE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE category. In other words, yeah pretty good.

The final sleeve had ginger flavored Joe Joes dipped in white chocolate and topped with candied ginger. When I imagine Jesus in the desert being tempted by Satan, I see Satan sitting in a lounge chair watching the Bears lose to Denver while casually munching on these cookies. His ability to resist these cookies is proof that he really was the son of god.

Cheetos Honey BBQ Puffs

I have climbed the Mount Trashmore of snax and this is that. Even Pizza Supreme Doritos, with its fake tomato, pepperoni, sausage, oregano and cheeze flavours are not as trashy. Even retro Taco Doritos in the old style bag are not as trashy. Lady Gaga in the future will wear an underwears of such items as a garment of ultratrash. And I would still munch on them. I don’t think Kathleen can handle them. I think the Lamblets will faint at the challenge. I think fish will poop more. Concern troll says that eating these or discussing the eating of these while Rome burns is so Nero. Bend you mind around these chemicals, concern troll!

What do they taste like? They taste like Rick Perry getting nutpunched.

Cheesy Enchilada Cheetos

PP: “Hmm, I don’t know Chris, you are such a total cobag.”

Chris Matthews: “I know, it’s a steep price. Here, try this Crunchy “Cheesy Enchilada” Cheeto.”

PP: *Crunch* “Fine, I’ll appear on your stupid show. I can has more Cheesy Enchilada Cheetos?????”

THESE. ARE. SO. GOOD.

Pretzel Crisps

6ozorighome.jpg

I just had these at a recent party, and the only comment I can make is that they are ridiculous.  Nothing should be so flavourful, crunchy, salty, and addictive.  They have to be evil.  My suspicion is that the slightly sweet malty aftertaste is probably from a banned substance.  Anyway, these may be one of the best snack foods I have ever tried.  They have all the good and essence of pretzel, without the inbetween stuff, which frankly, is a bit of a letdown anyway.  They are a tad too salty, but it is easy to wipe off the excess salt.  They are also very solid, which makes them ideal for dipping.  It’s totally unreasonable.  Health wise, they have no fat, a little fibre and protein, and the serving size is actually a pretty decent handful.  More dangerous, are recent developments in the company, including this version:

Chocolate+PC.jpg
Don’t let Pinko think about putting those near his ice cream.

I should also mention that the company that makes these also makes New York Style Bagel Chips, which I also find dangerously addictive and obesifying.

Ssamjang

This Korean condiment, featuring hot chili fermented soybean paste and regular fermented soybean paste and other seasonings like some sugar and some rice wine is NOT like CIA-funded taste bud illicit drugs sold to funnel money to terrorists so they can conquer your addicted mouth in the name of freedom. It is not LIKE that, because it IS that. I have had this with Korean BBQ before, but couldn’t find it at the store. Little did I know that it comes in TUBS in its own AISLE. It even has a warning label on the back:

“Do not feed to Res Publica, he will be unable to stop, and his head will pop off from mouthly ecstacy.”

UC, LOOK FOR IT IN TUBS LIKE THIS!!!!