Monthly Archive for July, 2005

The Devil’s Melon or Manna from Heaven?

You will have to check at Republic of Dogs for the full details about this particular melon:

Here’s what we do know:

i) it’s not a canteloupe
ii) it is green inside – green and “delicious”
iii) it may be a suzie

Here’s what I know. If it’s a melon, it’s probably delicious. But I’m a scientist and need empirical evidence. Verdict: mistrial

Fake Pizza Flavor

Fake cheese flavor. Fake pepperoni flavor. Fake tomato flavor. Fake oregano flavor. MSG. At a minimum that is Fake*10^5, an incalculable level of fake. Only if the Pizza Doodles/Pizza chip snack unit were in the shape of something totally fake could it taste any more fake. The flavor particles are actually programmable nanobots that subtlely modify your persona, tastes and desires. Fake pizza flavor is a monument to the ingenuity of Man the Creator and his sidekick in fake flavor crime, Woman.

Verdict: Delicious

Item: Zaro’s Chocolate Babka

Droooooool. This is the greatest pastry known to creation, and is courtesy your friends, the Jews. You should read the whole description of the food from Zaro’s. Actually, I’m going to steal a little bit of their description just so I can quiver in anticipation of the next time I get to eat one:

We still make Chocolate Babka the same way we did way back when. The dough is made from butter, milk, eggs, sugar, orange paste, and other all natural ingredients. Folded into the dough are chocolate chips, liquid chocolate marble, chocolate cake crumbs and some nuts. Each Chocolate Babka weighs about two pounds

You know where this is going. DELICIOUS. Also notable is their cinammon-raisin babka. The secret ingredient they can’t give away is the one last ancient semitic secret dating back to biblical times [it is the revelation of this secret not the conversion of the Jews that signals the end times, will probably be discussed in the next 12 Left Behind books-ed.]. It’s an arc of the covenant kind of secret, which is only known by the highest of the high priests and is muttered only once a year [and if you use its power for evil, your face will melt off- ed.].

Item: Pringles Prints-Trivial Pursuit for Kids Flavor

What the f***.

When Three Bulls! saw this, they felt like Norbizness walking into Long John Silvers, a holy obligation filled with the fear of a smitten colon.

Con: Parents, do you want to make the fattening of your kids educational? Have them stuff their pieholes with these!!

Pro: They’re delicious salty yummy pringles, now with 0g trans fat, people!!

Con: Sign of impending rapture?

Pro: Because you have to read them, you eat more slowly, aiding in digestion, plus you use your head, your mind, and your brain while enjoying a friggin’ Pringle!!!!


They’d be funnier if they had crazy fortunes on them, or lottery numbers, or propaganda, or random stuff.

What’s that you say? What about this?


Q: “Can you run 1/4 mile?”

What an amazing fitness goal, maybe the verb should be “roll” or “ooze” instead of “run” after Mr. P is done being your fitness trainer.

A: “No f***ing way after eating a can of these for “research”

After continuing research I see that Mr. P is also eager to invade my privacy concerning “how many jumping jacks can [I] do?” Thank you, evil advertising overlords, this will effectively help Mr. P say to parents “it is safe that your children be raised under my guidance, not only will they be getting a potato fuhrer, but a personal fitness guru, and you may confidently let them be plumpened with this overly salty potato product for my alien masters.”

Verdict: Push

Item: Nantucket Nectar Half and Half

Half Iced Tea, Half Lemonade, 100% yummy. In a nice wide-mouthed glass bottle for summer sipping. Perfect for walking down to Fenway or other ballpark to watch the Sox beat the Orioles while frying in the summer heat. I said perfect for watching the Sox beat the Orioles. Damn Sox.

Verdict: Delicious.

Item: Broccoli farts

Only smells created by billion year old life forms metabolizing toxic chemicals in the heart of a blubbery mud hot spring in Yellowstone Natl. Park could even attempt to approach the foulness concocted by the human digestive system when faced with an abundance of broccoli.

Verdict: Disgusting

Related Item: Brussells Sprout farts