Monthly Archive for August, 2005

Item-The last bite of an In N Out Burger

This bit is borrowed from the serious post below, because Cookie Jesus knows, no one will read it. The last bite of juicy In-N-Out burger, with the combination of crispy griddle-toasted bun, and cool lettuce and tomato with just the right amount of special sauce-is in fact even better than the first*. The absolute key here is the buttered bun that is machine-sliced so perfectly flat, and thrown on the griddle it until browned and toasty with that crispy ring around the outside that happens when you make pancakes at home but never happens at IHOP. This crispness contrasts with the special sauce, especially the saucy pickle, if any of it made it this far and juice from the burger, the still cool lettuce and actually decent tomato. I can only compare it to the last bite of a well packed ice cream cone where ice cream has lasted until the very end. Magnificent.

*That bite looks exactly like this one, but on the other side.

Item-Hungry Man Breakfast

This is an internet classic. I’m not posting a picture of it, because I don’t want you to throw up. I do, however, want you to think about the fact that this meatly harvest of death has less calories than a single slice of Cheesecake Factory Carrot Cake.

Item-Popeye’s Fried Chicken


I wonder how this dog got fat?

As usual Three Bulls! over ordered. Three Bulls! has a taste for the proletarian, we admit. We also didn’t expect Popeye’s to rise up over the horizon like a spectre haunting PETA’s worst nightmare. We love Popeye’s you see, ever since a delightful experience in Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Marietta International Airport. We had wonderful service and a were happily helped in our order by someone who asked us “what can I get for you, hon?” Well at that time we went for the two piece meal and a biscuit.

This time our eyes were bigger than our stomach. We got the four piece spicy chicken meal with the battered cajun fries and one biscuit. Let’s compare to the benchmark that most people know: KFC. I also like KFC, so I’m not going to be all douchey and say that one is amazing and one is inedible. That is not possible. They are both fast food fried chicken, and any other opinion is merely the patriarchy exerting itself. So Popeyes tends to have better quality control than KFC, meaning the chicken is usually really hot and juicy at popeye’s and can be less so at KFC. The biscuits at popeyes are both more buttery and heavier, kind of sticking to the roof of your mouth. They’re pretty good, but KFC’s are fluffier, so I am partial to those. As for the fries, they seem better than they are, because they look visually pleasing, but really they just have batter on them as per the command of the US Cardiologist Star Chamber Cabal. It’s purpose is only to hasten your angioplasty.

As for the chicken, Popeye’s has just the really crispy kind. The patriarchy commands that everyone thinks crispy is better than say, KFC original recipe. Original recipe at KFC is really good if they cook it long enough, and I refuse to let the patriarchy cockblock my chicken choices. As for the crispy kind, Popeye’s has the real edge over KFC, it just has a real crunch and the chicken is always juicier. The spicy is really good, not too spicy and sets off the honey (Fried chicken needs honey- if you don’t know this, suppress your f*cking patriarchical instinct and actually try it before you say “gross!”, you predictable android). See the thing about Popeye’s honey- it is the incredibly floral kind. It has a much stronger floral taste than you usual honey, and it DEMANDS the spicy chicken, or else the honey would actually be overpowering. As you might have noticed, this pile of chicken weighs in at 1831 calories and 100 some odd grams of fat. To convert that to Haagen Daaz pints, for our chicken-challenged readers- Calorie-wise it’s about 6 pints of Haagen-Daaz coffee, fat wise only about 1 and a quarter.

This did not make our tummies feel good. We think we would have died if we went for the glowing yellow corn freshly rolled in butter solution and then bagged for our to-go enjoyment. Thank goodness for Cookie Jesus looking over Three Bulls!

Verdict: (yesterday) Disgusting

Today: upon reflection, it does kind of sound good- Delicious!