Monthly Archive for May, 2006

Pretzel Fillers® – Sweet Cream Cheese

The encyclopedia of atrocity can be found here.

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Let me first say that this product is by the company that also makes the venerable Super Pretzel.  Listen.  I love Super Pretzels, and while not as huge as the ones you can get from street vendors in NYC, the standard what I used to consider Bradlees or Caldor variety Super Pretzel (a childhood memory) were always great, mostly because they weren’t stale or too hard like some vendor ones.  I still enjoy the odd Super Pretzel now and again. I get the salted but rub most of it off for the right amount of blood pressure stimulation. The key to the Super Pretzel is it tastes like a pretzel.  Of course various other varieties of “pretzel” are delicious, especially the ol’ Auntie Annie’s cinnamon and sugar, but that’s really a pretzel shaped breadstick, OK?  It’s apples and bananas on this one.  Since I am kept in a refigerator at work, I walk down to the cafeteria to get an afternoon snacko.  Mostly to warm up.  Anyhoo, my usual Super Pretzel (actually I just had my first one in a long time last week) was replaced by a grab bag of these.  Well, I wasn’t quite sure what these were.  There was a non-descript card that had the image above on it, I didn’t read about the “sweet dream cream” or WTF, and since the things pictured were of a more savory variety, I grabbed the one that was clearly not pizza or leaky cheese goo.  So when I bit into my pretzel and something with the consistency of warm Colgate kind of splooged out, I once again realized that marketers hate America.  They want us to be obese, gimmick obsessed braindeads.  I just wanted a g*dd*amned Super Pretzel, not a toothpasty bowtie shaped Combo from Hell.  “Pretzel Fillers.”  I’m so glad you trademarked it because my colon is now filled and in the shape of a pretzel and I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.  Thank you.  Take your loaded bread wang elsewhere, J and J foods.  For shame.

Item-Haagen-Dazs Caramel Cone Light If You Can Effing Believe It!11!!

Dear Lord. Dear Cookie Jesus. Come ON. Picture some awesome ice cream cone. Picture the best ice cream cone your feverish brain can conjure. A veritable creamy lover. Anyway, you are going to TOWN on this bad boy, you are feeling it, and just laying it down in a frenzy. And you are getting close. Close to that moment where your dairy make-out session hits second base. The moment when you get a perfectly balanced bite of cone and ice cream together. This ice cream from Haagen-Dazs tastes like that bite. Over and over and over again. A revelation. Just enough cone to keep you massively satisfied, but not so much like a Ben and Jerry’s where it feels like you are eating some sort of frozen trail mix. I need to break in here and say that you are not eating this ice cream cone the way I imagine Blue Girl would eat it. With delicate little licks where she slowly harvests the melted ice cream product at a glacial pace. To the point where she practically tongue-baths the outside of the cone cleaning up the dribbles. This can only lead to one thing: soggy, deflated cone. In fact we predict that BG, after excavating quite a bit of the ice cream within the cone, she probably hands it over to BG-Guy as she has no use for this discarded shell of a creamy lover. Verdict-Delicious

Item-Kelly’s Roast Beef Onion Ring Addendum

The onion rings at Kelly’s are of a specific type.  They are not thickly cut or thickly battered, rather they are thin sliced huge sweet mayan or vidalia sweet onion hoops covered by a thin, crispy batter, something very crunchy.  The sweetness of the onion dominates, and the batter has a wonderful flavor of shall we say well seasoned cooking oil (probably from the fact that lots of seafood gets fried in it).  There is the possibility that Uncanny needed them slightly additionally salted for perfection.  For this particular style of onion ring, there is no better.  This web establishment recognizes the diversity of onion rings, and of course there are many delightful ones.

Item – Kelly’s Roast Beef

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This picture of the famous and infamous Kelly’s roast beef sandwich really doesn’t begiin to do it justice. The pictures on their website look better, but are Javascripted, so I couldn’t easily rip them off for blogging. Their loss, really.

Here’s what I love about Kelly’s roast beef and why I think they deserve one of the highest delicious ratings I have given (as opposed to the usual delicious, not to be confused with my lowest rating, push):

1) They ask you for toppings and there isn’t any limit or boundaries as to what is a topping. I’ve had cheese, bacon, BBQ sauce, hot sauce, horseradish sauce (!!!), lettuce, tomatoes, and that’s just what popped into my head. As far as I know, they have limitless toppings. Next time perhaps I will ask for emu.

2) The roast beef is perfectly sliced and at the perfect temperature. It is thin, moist, slightly warm, and lean. It’s really exceptional meat. Apologies to those insulted by red meat, but this meat is as red meat as it gets.

3) Excellent drippings during consumption. This proves the freshness and the proper amount of cooking. Again, if you don’t like red meat, you will not like the nature of the drippings. I just consider it meat drool.

4) Good accompanying side dishes. PP loves the onion rings. I thought they were fresh, crispy, and honest, but seemed to lack either strong enough seasoning or a good dipping sauce. Horesradish would be good. In fact, everything at Kelly’s is improved by horseradish. The french fries are very good as well. They are crispy and taste fresh-cut but not greasy.

5) The restaurants at Peabody and Natick feature large aquariums. The only thing that makes eating animals yummy is looking at other putative food at the same time. I have yet to experience the original at Revere Beach, but I imagine the natural setting will more than compensate for the dining amenities.

Verdict: Delicious