Mandos Guest Post-Yuppie Hippie Bars (Assorted)

Mandos writes:

I have recently been testing yuppie-wannabe-hippy food bars recently, the kind that Whole Foods sells in place of Snickers, etc.

My first impression is, of course, “Why?” All three I have tried so far are grosser than any other granola bar I’ve eaten, and far inferior to raw fruit. And yet, they are enormously pricier, and I see people with cases of them in their offices. Nevertheless, they definitely have their differences.

The first: Lärabar. I can’t remember what flavour it was, and I only ate it two days ago. It was probably “””apple””” “””pie””” or “””pecan””” “””pie”””. Like all Lärabars (see photos on their web site), it is a nondescript brown bar that frankly reminds me of a turd. There’s nothing about it that says, “eat me”. The flavour: some kind of slightly bitter cardboard. Really, it’s like Newton’s head got hit by the apple before he ended up around the fig. Fig Newton without flavour. Verdict: I’d say it was disgusting but it didn’t taste like anything so I can’t even say that.

The next: Clif Nectar cacao bar. This seemed so much more promising than the Lärabar. After all, who could mess up chocolate? More purple than a typical turd (maybe one with melena?), it had a more promising consistency than the Lärabar. Alas, no such luck! At least the Lärabar had the courtesy of tasting like the bitter ashes of emptiness. This one was actively offensive. Chocolate Skittles are too treyfy for me to eat, but this is what I imagine the food bar version of them tastes like. Verdict: disgusting, avoid.

Finally, Raw Revolution. This one was the hippiest of them, and the one most reliant on dishonest Ghost Melon marketing strategies with the oh-so-Ché font and red star. The advertisement of “organic sprouted flax seeds” did not look promising—mmm, must taste like hay or alfalfa, I thought. I got the chocolate chip cookie dough flavour. Unwrapped it: consistency of Lärabar, colour of diarrhoea [this is worse than UC with the Canadianensiasosis-ed]. But surprisingly: not bad. It did not taste like hay or what poop must taste like. Actually tasted like hippified chocolate chip cookie dough. Edible. Verdict: mildly delicious, even with the organic flax seed abortions.

So in sum, none of these things are worth the price. They are clearly food for pretentious Whole Foods yuppies. No child would be fooled, for certain. A certain person remarked to me that they were food for “human parakeets”, which sounds about right.

Raw Revolution is vaguely acceptable, but I’ll stick with the salted cashew granola bars for now—cheaper and deliciouser and less pretentious.

19 Responses to “Mandos Guest Post-Yuppie Hippie Bars (Assorted)”


  • An update. I just tried one of the “Luna” bars “for women” which I gather is a sub-brand of “Clif” bars. On the one hand, I feel no more or less girly than I did before, so obviously the Luna bars did not have their intended castrating effects. On the other hand, it is still a conspiracy: the wimmin’s bar was the best-tasting so far. Those dastardly wymyn, hoarding the delicious.

    I had the “white chocolate macadamia” flavour, which is actually relatively subtle and tasty, and is mostly just an expensive granola bar. The added tastiness doesn’t really make it worth it not to buy the six pack of salted cashew granola bars from the regular grocery store.

    So, seriously, what makes Luna the expensive yuppie hippie bar for women? Why, as far as I can tell, it’s our old friend folic acid. After all, women are constantly on the verge of being pregnant, so they have to eat special granola bars so they can have superior babeez.

  • How is it that no matter what they do, it looks like poo? Who knew? Eat glue.

  • Speaking of food for human parakeets… I like BumbleBars.

    *Tweet*

    And as for Luna bars being for women, don’t they have a lot of soy for that estrogen enhancement?? Also, I think I heard that in a pinch, they can be used as a sanitary napkin…

    Hey… if you’re going to go all turd talk up there, I’m bringing the napkin talk… 🙂

    I do have to try the Larabar now. My issue with many of these is they are too sweet.

  • they can be used as a sanitary napkin…

    Do the words “salty” and “crunchy” carry no warnings to you at all?!?!?! Ouch!!!

  • Pinko is probably curled up in a ball and rocking in the corner…

    Sorry Pinko. Mandos started it.

  • I’m in shock that somebody wants to try the Larabar based on the above description, it means you have been infected by the Chocolate Skittles Taste Wanderlust. I think Freud wrote something about people wanting to eat poo, or poo-like substances. Also, note that we got a comment from a Pretzel Fillers lover.

    Remember, we wrote:

    So when I bit into my pretzel and something with the consistency of warm Colgate kind of splooged out, I once again realized that marketers hate America. They want us to be obese, gimmick obsessed braindeads. I just wanted a g*dd*amned Super Pretzel, not a toothpasty bowtie shaped Combo from Hell. “Pretzel Fillers.” I’m so glad you trademarked it because my colon is now filled and in the shape of a pretzel and I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused. Thank you. Take your loaded bread wang elsewhere, J and J foods. For shame.

    Yet they commented:

    These are the absolute BEST pretzels Ive ever had by far! Many people knock em before they try em! DONT!!! Youll be dissappointed if you go your entire life w/o trying them!

    Huh.

  • I mean, it is right up there on the banner. On the disgusting side.

  • LOL! No, I don’t want to taste poo, but I believe Mandos has commented before on having a sweet tooth so his idea of what is sweet and mine are probably completely different. I will agree, however, that they do look like sh*t.

    I’ll be the first to say he was correct if the Larabar tastes like Chocolate *Skattles*…

  • I mean, what do you expect? These are basically partly digested fibrous dried fruit. If you eat lots of fibrous fruit, what do you think happens in your gut…?

  • It makes you hungry for brains?

    Well it does for me.

    But I was disappointed to find that these were NOT bars made from dried hippies and yuppies.

    You know, kind of like a Take Five bar. except with people. Take 5: Soylent.

  • My issue with many of these is they are too sweet

    yes, exactly!!!! I can usually only eat the peanut flavor ones, which are gone now THANKS FOOD POISONING SCARE

  • Uh, Kathleen means:

    “ACTUAL FOOD POISONING”

    Also, secretly blockquoted above:

    So when I bit into my pretzel and something with the consistency of warm Colgate kind of splooged out, I once again realized that marketers hate America. They want us to be obese, gimmick obsessed braindeads. I just wanted a g*dd*amned Super Pretzel, not a toothpasty bowtie shaped Combo from Hell. “Pretzel Fillers.” I’m so glad you trademarked it because my colon is now filled and in the shape of a pretzel and I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused. Thank you. Take your loaded bread wang elsewhere, J and J foods. For shame.

    And:

    These are the absolute BEST pretzels Ive ever had by far! Many people knock em before they try em! DONT!!! Youll be dissappointed if you go your entire life w/o trying them!

    Not computing, still.

  • So now I await the verdict of Jennifer. That’s two foods on the sausage07 docket. Which will be judged first?

  • Maybe they’ll come out with a special edition Blueberry Whopper Larabar…

  • unfortunately, the cafeteria at the extremely Bay Area school I now attend (yes, I knew what I was signing up for, and I’m not sorry, BUT) serves practically nothing but Purina Hippie Chow. am not amused.

  • Ok… I have to confess that I would again buy the Larabar Cashew Cookie and the Larabar Cherry Pie… shoot me.

  • I think you are. I doubt Larabar will be coming out with any version in the near future…

  • There’s too many ingredients in La Diabla for me, Jennifer.

    However, I could show everyone how to make a Coke™ float with Cherry Chocolate Chip ice cream (Cherry Garcia is best), and even take a picture…
    ~

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