Pretzel Fillers® – Sweet Cream Cheese

The encyclopedia of atrocity can be found here.

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Let me first say that this product is by the company that also makes the venerable Super Pretzel.  Listen.  I love Super Pretzels, and while not as huge as the ones you can get from street vendors in NYC, the standard what I used to consider Bradlees or Caldor variety Super Pretzel (a childhood memory) were always great, mostly because they weren’t stale or too hard like some vendor ones.  I still enjoy the odd Super Pretzel now and again. I get the salted but rub most of it off for the right amount of blood pressure stimulation. The key to the Super Pretzel is it tastes like a pretzel.  Of course various other varieties of “pretzel” are delicious, especially the ol’ Auntie Annie’s cinnamon and sugar, but that’s really a pretzel shaped breadstick, OK?  It’s apples and bananas on this one.  Since I am kept in a refigerator at work, I walk down to the cafeteria to get an afternoon snacko.  Mostly to warm up.  Anyhoo, my usual Super Pretzel (actually I just had my first one in a long time last week) was replaced by a grab bag of these.  Well, I wasn’t quite sure what these were.  There was a non-descript card that had the image above on it, I didn’t read about the “sweet dream cream” or WTF, and since the things pictured were of a more savory variety, I grabbed the one that was clearly not pizza or leaky cheese goo.  So when I bit into my pretzel and something with the consistency of warm Colgate kind of splooged out, I once again realized that marketers hate America.  They want us to be obese, gimmick obsessed braindeads.  I just wanted a g*dd*amned Super Pretzel, not a toothpasty bowtie shaped Combo from Hell.  “Pretzel Fillers.”  I’m so glad you trademarked it because my colon is now filled and in the shape of a pretzel and I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.  Thank you.  Take your loaded bread wang elsewhere, J and J foods.  For shame.

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