Smirnoff Raw Tea

OK, boys and girls. Here’s my advice to you: If you are ever in a dodgy Fenway Park area sports bar and order Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice and they tell you that they are out, but wouldn’t you like to try out the new Smirnoff Raw Tea, run. Don’t even look at the bottle. I made the mistake of thinking, sure, why not. I took one tentative sip and I almost gagged. It is the taste of sickeningly sweet iced tea with the most horrible artificial flavouring known to mankind. The bottle informed me that there was about 5% alcohol in the product, but I couldn’t taste any past the sickitude of the sweetness. I understand it comes in other flavours outside of lemon, but I can’t possibly imagine that they wouldn’t be even more disgusting. Just a shame. If, instead, they took the recipe of Nantucket Nectar’s Half and Half, and made a quality malt beverage from that, I think they might have a winner. But this is a clear loser.

Which brings me to the amusing part of all of this. Apparently, I was not among the one million plus people to see the latest marketing shenanigan associated with the new beverage, namely a viral video posted to YouTube, and targetting preppies and WASPs throughout the New England area (AG, this vid’s for you!). The video is kind of funny if it were simply a lame-ass spoof of gangsta rap videos, but it’s not really funny. It’s an ad. And it’s offensive. The video (hopefully successfully embedded below) features the fake group called Prep Unit and they are rapping about throwing a Tea Partay. Prep Unit raps, “We may be vanilla, but our labs are chocolate…”. I would offer them the alternative rap, “We may be making an advertisment, but our product is shite”. Sigh. This is putridly bad, so I guess it’s kind of funny, but I am sad. I honestly don’t think we’re horribly far from all entertainment being a marketing gimmick.

Oh yeah. Verdict: Disgusting. Really really disgusting.

UPDATE: Feminine Mistake has correctly revealed the progenitor of this incredibly successful yet lame ass advertisement to be the superior and more shocking Boyz in the Hood parody by Dynamite Hack

14 Responses to “Smirnoff Raw Tea”


  • That video was so cashew god damn nut log it isn’t even funny. Those cats should be writing for SNL- maybe they could extend that mofo to infinity!

  • That video was so pluperfectly terrible that I couldn’t make it through it. Plus, the idea of alcohol in iced tea is, well, completely whacked. When I was a kid my stepfather’s mother took care of me and my sisters from time to time. She was a fall-down drunk and she had taken to drinking bourbon and instant iced tea. For that reason alone I can never get a sip of liquored-up iced tea down. Just the idea causes a gag reflex.

  • What kind of man drinks Zima or Mike’s Hard Lemonade besides a WASP YUPPIE?

  • p.s. AG has studied this and has the following comments to add:

    1. Saab Convertible? Hello it’s either a Volvo wagon or a restored MG convertible. Must have been written by wanna be JAPs or something.
    2. It’s not the main line to Greenwich. Main Line is ghetto. It’s Bergen County to Riverdale.
    3. New Hampshire?! Vermont is for the winter cabin and the Vineyard is the summer cottage. NH is for people who go to Myrtle Beach on va-kay.
    4. Topsiders are out. Polo brand tennis shoes are in with Lily P. sandals.
    5. Mediocre houses in Sparta, NJ are not impressive. Show us Westchester or Greenwich style or do not bother. All, all homes must come with a workshop and garage.
    6. Hello, WASPs don’t do Ivy League for university! You go to Amherst or Bowdoin and then go second level chic for medical or law school.
    7.Gold is so Jewish. Platnium is the best friend of a WASP.
    8.Chocolate lab? Yawn. It’s small, pure bred dogs only. Labs are for the poor, just like the bus.
    9. Thank you notes in cursive? Hello, initals engraved by Crane on the front, note engraved inside too. Handwritten address with Master or Mistress and the attendant’s last name. Post marked in Darien.

    Some people really need to read Miss Manners more closely and attend better classes at Miss. Hall’s or Deerfield Academy.

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    I know. Only whores write thank you notes in cursive.

  • UC, your mom wrote me a thank you note for dinner at Pico’s in cursive. Just sayin’…

  • Deerfield is indeed for losers.

  • I almost got sent there and AG suggested what would happen — the par-tays that would follow! AG did not go…

  • I was at a Patriots game a while back, and was very pleased to find Bass and Harpoon on tap for the same outrageous price as Bud and Mikes.

    You got hosed.

  • Raw Tea certainly has the most brilliant but horribly bad marketing campaigns ever. The video’s brilliant but it really makes me not want to even be caught drinking Raw Tea! Actually, I think the guy in charge of the video must have been inspired by the Dynamite Hack Video “Boyz in the Hood:”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LctD_9aOyCw

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Awesome find, FM. There’s something about the melancholy melody that makes me laugh all that much harder as they’re going down the golf course in those ridiculous hummer-like vehicles. Also really funny is the discussion of the video, where a whole bunch of people scream racist at the video.

    As usual, I tried to update the post to include the new video and broke it in the process. Perhaps I can get Pinko Punko to fix my tags?

  • I thought it tasted good. Just sayin..

  • I have not tried this one BUT I do like TWISTED TEA which is a non-carbonated alcholic drink. It is NOT sweet tea and there is NO lemon in it. It taste like ICE TEA. TRY that!
    Where can I try this stuff so I can be my own judge? I live in Virgina,US

  • i’m not sure what kinda iced tea people are normally drinking round these parts. but twisted tea tastes like shit.

Leave a Reply

What is 39 + 59 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)