Dark Chocolate Fudge Clodhoppers-Mend. D Guest Post

A true shocker from Mendacious D. UC might need his fainting couch when he reads this:

You probably know Clodhoppers from this bag which you can’t stop eating out of once it’s been opened:

[image linked here because Gmail is a bag of choads. Non-chocolate covered clusters of choads that don’t let me display images]
[PP adds, tis true, they are. but me fixey]


They are delicious clusters of concentrated yumminess. If they could be wrapped in bacon and deep-fried (I’m looking at you, Indiana State Fair) I would find myself in epicurean heaven, and probably on the receiving end of a pair of defibrillator paddles. Clear? More like clogged!

So, when in my local Shoppers’ Drug Mart I espied a curious variation: Dark Chocolate Clodhoppers. “Well,” I thought, “they’re on sale, and regular Clodhoppers are, in my estimation, the shizzle. Perhaps even the shizizzle when it comes to dessert-like snacks.” [PP adds: we’re you thinking this in 2005?] So I bought them. A steal at $2.79. A snip. Such a small price to pay for sampling the newest innovation from Chris and Larry, may Chocolate Buddha bless their every step.

So the next day at work I ripped open the plastic packaging and peeked in. The customary pre-scuffed (they just are. Don’t ask) chocolate clusters were there, albeit of a darker hue than their milk-chocolate-drenched cousins. Hands shaking (it may have been the caffeine), I extracted one and popped it into my mouth, expecting the palate-melting sensation of Clodhoppers, but perhaps not as sweet.

Sadly, it was not to be.

The ingredients, on paper, are beyond reproach: graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate, and manna from heaven (FDA approval pending). Dark chocolate would be the not-so-sugary icing on the cluster, making even more of those delicious little balls.

Instead, there was… nothing. Somehow, through some marvel of culinary and manufacturing science, most of the flavour had been removed, with almost surgical precision. The graham wafer tasted like unsweetened rice puffs, the marshmallow was indistinguishable from the coating itself, and the chocolate was apparently mostly sugar and very little cocoa.

I was, to say the least, disappointed. It took me three full days to consume them throughout my various coffee/blogging breaks at the office. I couldn’t even bring myself to share them with my coworkers, lest I be shamed by their utter lack of taste, substance, or enjoyability and be forced to endure the iniquity of not being trusted with supplying snacks anymore. Truly an error from a company which has done so much for my waistline.

Now, if they made white chocolate Clodhoppers, I’d be all over that. If they didn’t mess it up like this.

5 Responses to “Dark Chocolate Fudge Clodhoppers-Mend. D Guest Post”

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    My heart went from frantic palpitations to complete asystole in the process of reading this review. I am crushed beyond words. No wait, within words. Honestly, the only Clodhoppers that do it for me full-on are the original vanilla fudge. I even find the milk chocolate covered ones to be disappointing. I am concerned. I think Chris and Larry have lost control over their product and the QC is down the tubes. Now I’m worried that even original Clods might not be as good. These should have been the best ever. Why did this happen? How did this happen? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

  • Maybe they took the taste gene out of the Dark Chocolate Clodhopper and inserted it backwards into the Chocolate Skittle.

  • Seriously, for them to eff up clodhoppers- Canada is in the tubes.

  • What is a chocolate skittle? They have multiple flavors of Dorito now? Why am I turning into an old man already? I’m not even thirty!

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