Mandos Guest Post-Yuppie Hippie Bars (Assorted)

Mandos writes:

I have recently been testing yuppie-wannabe-hippy food bars recently, the kind that Whole Foods sells in place of Snickers, etc.

My first impression is, of course, “Why?” All three I have tried so far are grosser than any other granola bar I’ve eaten, and far inferior to raw fruit. And yet, they are enormously pricier, and I see people with cases of them in their offices. Nevertheless, they definitely have their differences.

The first: Lärabar. I can’t remember what flavour it was, and I only ate it two days ago. It was probably “””apple””” “””pie””” or “””pecan””” “””pie”””. Like all Lärabars (see photos on their web site), it is a nondescript brown bar that frankly reminds me of a turd. There’s nothing about it that says, “eat me”. The flavour: some kind of slightly bitter cardboard. Really, it’s like Newton’s head got hit by the apple before he ended up around the fig. Fig Newton without flavour. Verdict: I’d say it was disgusting but it didn’t taste like anything so I can’t even say that.

The next: Clif Nectar cacao bar. This seemed so much more promising than the Lärabar. After all, who could mess up chocolate? More purple than a typical turd (maybe one with melena?), it had a more promising consistency than the Lärabar. Alas, no such luck! At least the Lärabar had the courtesy of tasting like the bitter ashes of emptiness. This one was actively offensive. Chocolate Skittles are too treyfy for me to eat, but this is what I imagine the food bar version of them tastes like. Verdict: disgusting, avoid.

Finally, Raw Revolution. This one was the hippiest of them, and the one most reliant on dishonest Ghost Melon marketing strategies with the oh-so-Ché font and red star. The advertisement of “organic sprouted flax seeds” did not look promising—mmm, must taste like hay or alfalfa, I thought. I got the chocolate chip cookie dough flavour. Unwrapped it: consistency of Lärabar, colour of diarrhoea [this is worse than UC with the Canadianensiasosis-ed]. But surprisingly: not bad. It did not taste like hay or what poop must taste like. Actually tasted like hippified chocolate chip cookie dough. Edible. Verdict: mildly delicious, even with the organic flax seed abortions.

So in sum, none of these things are worth the price. They are clearly food for pretentious Whole Foods yuppies. No child would be fooled, for certain. A certain person remarked to me that they were food for “human parakeets”, which sounds about right.

Raw Revolution is vaguely acceptable, but I’ll stick with the salted cashew granola bars for now—cheaper and deliciouser and less pretentious.

READER POLL

Readers shall vote.

On the menu having been eaten or ready to be consumed:

GIANT Cheetos

Orange Creme Milkshake, Blueberry and Vanilla Whoppers
[you know, I think Jennifer’s blog would be better if she could just get a hold of these Whoppers]

Malto Bella Gourmet Almond Toffee Malt Balls

Reese’s Pieces Easter Eggs

Reese’s Big Cup With Nuts

No posts until 10 total votes.

Boar Bacon w/Maple

Mendacious D horrifies Mandos with some more treyf, while sending my taste bud into writhings of hypothetical withdrawal.

As the bacon wars escalate, it is only fitting that some minor ammunition be provided. A local cheese shop had acquired a consignment of bacon from the outskirts of Quebec City, made from wild boar and lightly flavoured with maple syrup.

At 14 dollars for a half-pound (~11 in your American dollars) I was skeptical, but the shop only had one package left, and I was not about to let the opportunity pass by.

The bacon was quite lean, thinly sliced like pancetta, and thankfully not marinated in the odious water-grease mixture that is common at grocery stores everywhere. I cooked it at the lowest possible heat on my stove for 25 minutes, rendering almost all the fat and becoming nicely crispy around the edges.

There are no pictures because it did not last long enough to be photographed. It is beyond delicious. Cooking the eggs in the remaining grease (nature’s cooking spray™) only improved the experience. Next time, I’m doing hash browns.

Verdict: Find it. Love it. Make it a part of your life. You will not be disappointed.

Kathleen! Week! Day 5: French fries w/ Frosty dip

Fresh potatoey salty delicious fries leisurely swirled the the frozen dairy o’ your choice. We suggest a cool, cream Frosty™ from Wendy’s, as their fries are marginal and certainly improved by Frosty dip.

Think about it.

We’ll have K’s backchannel comments later in the day. Happy H’o’ween, DoD’ers! (that sounds pretty Blue Girl, I must say)

Kathleen! Week! Day 4: Doritos Collisions-Pizza and Ranch

Cheezy corny crunchy spicy orange fingers plus sour savory corny crunchy ranchy stinky dorito crunchy stinky corn breath. I note for the record that this ranch does not taste as cool as cool ranch. I swear it is less cool, and not as ranchy. MSG yum yum yum! Is K. hitting the 7-11 or did she just hork some pumpkin pie? DoD readers want to know!!!!


Don’t get flavor all over your keyboard!

Notes:

We zoinked the pic here.

Our review is in the post categories.

Kathleen! Week! Day 3: Rijsttafel

Fish writes us from the wake of the SS Peanut Gallery:

Don’t know what you want? Have trouble narrowing it down to just one thing? There is only one answer (no not Ponderosa): Rijsttafel!!!

A little shrimp curry with green beans? Sure!

Chicken dumplings in hot garlic peanut sauce? Can do!

Lamb satay? Absolutely!

Spinach with shrimp paste chili? Who can say no?

Grilled meat and potato patties? More please!

Sauteed squid, fish, and shrimp in spicy sauce? Bring it on!

Fried honey beef? Okay, just a little!

Sauteed bean sprouts with tofu and green onion on coconut rice? If I must!

And to top it off, just a wafer thin mint.

Worried that you can’t get Rijsttafel in the Bay Area? No worries. [PP adds: Also]

I am sure Kathleen really doesn’t want so many sumptuous choices.

To eat.

Tonight.

Let’s let Yelp help:

Borobudur:

I’ve been coming to this place for lunch with some business associates and let me tell you, this place is DA BOMB!!

Yelpers, you’ve all got to try this place out and please, I beg you please….you must try the BBQ Honey Chicken (tender quarters of chicken cooked to perfection). To be quite honest I have not even tried anything else in the menu. I’m all about the adventure of trying new things and exploring the extent of my palate but dang….they have perfected the art of, fall off the bone, succulent, don’t even need to chew, clicking your heals saying there’s no place like Borodudur, drooling for the next bite, forgetting your in public, high fiving the waiter while hugging the cook…..sorry, sorry, I’m rambling again. But really, TRY THE CHICKEN…and coconut rice.

Only 4 stars because I have yet to try anything else on the menu other than the Roti, BBQ Honey Chicken and Coconut Rice. Excuse me yelpers while I place my order to pick up some of that BBQ Honey Chicken……YYYYUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Jayakarta:

Dammit Berkeley! Foiled again! I had a great dinner of palm sugar marinated chicken and shrimp Indonesian fried rice. I left Jayakarta with a full belly and a smile on my face and only 20 bucks poorer than when I walked in the door. Feeling pretty groovy overall. Walked back to the car to find that in the hour I’d been parked on the street, someone had stolen my registration tag off of my license plate and Berkeley’s overly anxious meter maid left me a $25 ticket. For one of the most liberal bastions in modern America, Berkeley seems like a police state compared to other Bay Area cities. Someone should tell the aging hippies that oppressive, autocratic police regimes aren’t good for democracy.

FIGHT THE POWER!

I will also add now that I am mad at fish. Caught in a trap, I can’t walk out, because I’m too hungry baby

Kathleen! Week! Day 2: Pigs in a Blanket

Fluffy flapjacks hot out of the pan, piping hot surrounding savory breakfast sausage slathered in syrup. Perhaps a side of home fries. Whither the will of a demented and uncontrollable maw? Will it reject these breakfastly pleasures, or will it be straightaway to the local diner, or even Denny’s?

Kathleen! Week! Day 1: Garlic Bread

In her current state (Cravicus knocktupostopus), we would like to inquire whether Kathleen thinks delicious, crusty, butter, garlicky bread is in fact wonderful or indescribably disgusting. You may leave your guesses in comments, and K. may as well e-mail us with her response. We will tempt/sicken her throughout the week, and give you her responses on Friday pm. Get to it!

Grapenut Ice Cream

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This morning, a particular errand took me to a sketchy part of Boston. The good news was that I was walking distance to Ron’s Gourmet Ice Cream & 20th Century Bowling.  Ron’s ice cream is easily one of the five best in New England and apparently competes nationwide for the title of best ice cream.  It is insanely rich and dense, and is homemade in pretty small batches on site.  It isn’t over-commercialized like JP Licks, and they don’t cheat on their taxes like Toscanini’s.

Since it was still relatively early in the morning, and I hadn’t eaten breakfast, I decided to choose an ice cream flavour that reminded me of breakfast.  While I never eat grapenut cereal, my grandfather did, and I had fond memories of visiting my grandparents and sometimes I would sleepover and the only cereal available to me in the morning was grapenut.  It’s an acquired taste, but I didn’t hate it.  It’s more like oddly crunchy and flavourless.  I decided that out of all the insanely delicious sounding flavours, I would try grapenut ice cream.  I have only seen this in New England, although perhaps it is found elsewhere.  It ended up being the perfect morning ice cream.  The grapenuts do get a little less crunchy, immersed in the milieu of sweet (but not very sweet and certainly not vanilla) cream , but they maintain a firmness and form.  I can’t say whether they imparted much flavour on the rest of the ice cream, but when it is perfect ice cream, it doesn’t really matter.  It was subtle, but distinct.  I think anybody that enjoys granola in their youghurt would enjoy this flavour of ice cream.

The Led Zeppelin Burger-Swoof Guest Post

Swoof writes to us:

Are you familiar with a restaurant in Chicago called Kuma’s Korner?

It’s a heavy metal-themed burger joint with great beer. I ate there on Friday night and had a hell of a time deciding on which metal burger I was going to eat. I finally chose the Led Zeppelin. It’s a 10 oz. burger on a pretzel roll topped with several thick sliced of bacon AND at least 4 ounces of pulled pork(!) and cheddar cheese and pickles.

As I dove into that thing I thought I might need a snorkel.

There are some amateurish photos of said burger at my food blog.

I think the verdict can be none more black, and black is the new delicious. To 11!

Please check out the rest of the menu. I wouldn’t be insulted if you called me a goblin c*ck gobbler.