Burger King Ketchup And Fries Potato Snack-FISH VERSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fish brings us his take unknowing on UC’s primal ketchup chip territory.

There I was, minding my own business, strolling down the hallway past the vending machine, when I saw these. This is just the kind of junk food throwdown that I cannot ignore, so I dropped in the $0.60 needed to satisfy the jones for a bag-o-fries I didn’t know I had (if only they had the Flame Broiled Burger flavor in my machine). The bag was nearly ethereal when I picked it up, weighing nary an ounce. The front of the package contained the now famous saying “Have it Your Way.” All I could think was that this was being uttered by evil, bearded-Spock, because I believe this bag is the embodiment of anti-my way. But I soldiered on for science and the greater good.

I opened the bag.

I reeled back in horror.

I regained consciousness.

The smell of ketchup was stunning in both is emotional and physical impact. This was not a natural experience. I was not smelling the feet of god, it was of someone a bit more sinister. Perhaps Mike Huckabee.

I took out one of the “snacks” and had a closer look. It was a flat light tan rectangle, with a fine powder over it. The color of this power was red, but not in a way that evoked fond memories of dipping French fries in Heinz as you sat in a Burger King laughing it up with your high school buddies, but more like the red you see in the Kleenex after you gave yourself a bloody nose by jamming your finger up it one too many times.

I braced myself and I popped it in my mouth. The best word to describe them is “confusing.” It didn’t taste like a chip. It didn’t taste like a cracker, it was more like a chacker. With a flavor that neither evoked the thought of French fries, nor ketchup. More it evoked a sense of ennui. Not this Ennui which also contains an element of jejune, but more a sense that nothing happens when you eat them. I, of course, ate the whole bag. The product packed an initial wallop of olfactory sensation, but failed to elicit any other emotions whatsoever. It fell far short of the promise to have it my way. I am disappointed in the King. Maybe if he slept at my house tonight we could discuss the issues over Whopper Jr’s and if one thing leads to another, who knows what we will invent together…

Verdict: Dislishous.

Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos

Another 7-11 special, as to be expected.

1) You will eat the entire bag.

2) You will lose a certain amount of respect for yourself.

1)+2)=3) Obviously, disgustamaliciously grossomaddictive.

I expect it to be an MSG related phenomenon.

My heart is just not in this. The Onion has taken my spirit.

We’ve withheld 6 types of Pringles posts from you because of the current situation of feeling Eeyore. And that is a lot of crap we ate!

Dark Chocolate Fudge Clodhoppers-Mend. D Guest Post

A true shocker from Mendacious D. UC might need his fainting couch when he reads this:

You probably know Clodhoppers from this bag which you can’t stop eating out of once it’s been opened:

[image linked here because Gmail is a bag of choads. Non-chocolate covered clusters of choads that don’t let me display images]
[PP adds, tis true, they are. but me fixey]

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They are delicious clusters of concentrated yumminess. If they could be wrapped in bacon and deep-fried (I’m looking at you, Indiana State Fair) I would find myself in epicurean heaven, and probably on the receiving end of a pair of defibrillator paddles. Clear? More like clogged!

So, when in my local Shoppers’ Drug Mart I espied a curious variation: Dark Chocolate Clodhoppers. “Well,” I thought, “they’re on sale, and regular Clodhoppers are, in my estimation, the shizzle. Perhaps even the shizizzle when it comes to dessert-like snacks.” [PP adds: we’re you thinking this in 2005?] So I bought them. A steal at $2.79. A snip. Such a small price to pay for sampling the newest innovation from Chris and Larry, may Chocolate Buddha bless their every step.

So the next day at work I ripped open the plastic packaging and peeked in. The customary pre-scuffed (they just are. Don’t ask) chocolate clusters were there, albeit of a darker hue than their milk-chocolate-drenched cousins. Hands shaking (it may have been the caffeine), I extracted one and popped it into my mouth, expecting the palate-melting sensation of Clodhoppers, but perhaps not as sweet.

Sadly, it was not to be.

The ingredients, on paper, are beyond reproach: graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate, and manna from heaven (FDA approval pending). Dark chocolate would be the not-so-sugary icing on the cluster, making even more of those delicious little balls.

Instead, there was… nothing. Somehow, through some marvel of culinary and manufacturing science, most of the flavour had been removed, with almost surgical precision. The graham wafer tasted like unsweetened rice puffs, the marshmallow was indistinguishable from the coating itself, and the chocolate was apparently mostly sugar and very little cocoa.

I was, to say the least, disappointed. It took me three full days to consume them throughout my various coffee/blogging breaks at the office. I couldn’t even bring myself to share them with my coworkers, lest I be shamed by their utter lack of taste, substance, or enjoyability and be forced to endure the iniquity of not being trusted with supplying snacks anymore. Truly an error from a company which has done so much for my waistline.

Now, if they made white chocolate Clodhoppers, I’d be all over that. If they didn’t mess it up like this.

Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers

Listen, after Durian fruit (unspeakable) and Chocoloate Mix Skittles debacles, we went in the other direction. You might think that the only successful spin-off Whoppers could come up with would be some sort of “Just The Insides!™” malt-balls, without the disgusting ultra-wax coating. Never mind that, we still like Whoppers, even though they lack any visible wick and therefore are poor candles.

Well, malted milk and fake strawberry seem like they should go well together while improving on the Whoppers experience by not trying to fake chocolate. The end result being Whopper chocolate>waxy wax waxy wax wax>Whopper fake strawberry. Kind of good.

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Cheesy Enchilada Cheetos

PP: “Hmm, I don’t know Chris, you are such a total cobag.”

Chris Matthews: “I know, it’s a steep price. Here, try this Crunchy “Cheesy Enchilada” Cheeto.”

PP: *Crunch* “Fine, I’ll appear on your stupid show. I can has more Cheesy Enchilada Cheetos?????”

THESE. ARE. SO. GOOD.

Skittles Chocolate Mix

Fish sends us a vending machine adventure. I encourage him to bring these to his next lab meeting for the punishment of Dr. Yin and Dr. Yang.

Fish writes:

New! Skittles Chocolate Mix:

[PP adds: I have obtained these as well, and shall follow along]

There is a vending machine outside my office. I love
that vending machine. Recently the machine contained
something strange and new. It contained these:

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Confused by the apparent paradox that these little
candies represented (chocolate candies are a
non-overlapping set with jelly beany candies), I had
to try them. How bad could they be.

Right?

So there are 5 flavors included in the bag. I will
discuss them individually.

1) Vanilla: You might ask why a bag of candy labeled
“Chocolate Mix” would have vanilla as one of the
flavors. Vanilla is, after all, not chocolate. In
fact, it could be considered not-chocolate, the very
essence of anti-chocolate. Just one more koan
represented by this product. The candies were white,
and when I ate them, it was if I was eating a crunchy,
chewy, nothing. They were completely neutral in
flavor. No hint of any commitment to flavor at all. It
was like you were chewing Switzerland, without the
great skiing.

[PP adds: more disgusting than nothing, but I can somehow see myself forgetting and eating another one]

2) S’mores: It is difficult to wrap your head around
the concept of graham cracker, marshmallow and
chocolate flavors all swirled into a chewy candy. It
is also difficult for the army of chemists at Mars
Snack Foods Inc., for none of those particular flavors
are present in this light-brown colored candy. Its
flavor compares favorably to licking someone’s butt,
but doesn’t fare quite so well in comparisons to say,
food.

[PP adds: Agreed. I’m beginning to regret this “eat along with Fish” exercise]

3) Chocolate Caramel: These were the best tasting
candies in the bag. This is much like saying Jonah
Goldberg is the smartest writer at NRO.

[PP adds: Agreed, OK yet somehow plasticky in a way you never notice with ultra-fake fruity flavors]

4) Chocolate Pudding: I can’t believe I put those in
my mouth. As a side note, I can say with a high degree
of certainty that I have said that sentence way
too many times in my life.

[PP adds: these might be good, or maybe the plasticky poison nanobots have reached my brain]

5) Brownie Batter: If you see me eating any of these,
shoot me, because I have rabies.

[PP adds: I’m going to murder Fish. The problem is not the taste of the flavoring, which you can isolate in the aftertaste (good job, food scientists), it is the burnt plastic taste of the actual Skittle portion. I will somehow finish the entire bag. And I will buy some for UC!!]

Cloverhill Big Texas Cinnamon Bun-Kathleen Guest Post

Kathleen writes to us:

“I have a minor obsession with vending machines [PP adds- oh me too]. I love to inspect their wares, and find the funny/crazy/unusual items being vended. Often I am disappointed, but sometimes I can have an afternoon’s enjoyment laughing over a well-placed pickle-in-a-bag, or a five-types-of-flavor frito.

Recently I passed by our office’s vending machine to find this option:

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Taste verdict: meh. dry. cinnamon-y. sugary top. about what you would expect from a pastry in a vending machine.

However, Hilarity Verdict: WINNER!

It caught my eye because (1) it’s a pastry in a vending machine (2) I don’t normally associate the state of Texas with cinnamon rolls and (3) it had a gold star award. Peering closer, this lucky pastry was Pastry of the Year! (I would give you the opportunity to peer closer, but my close-up picture sucked and didn’t focus properly.) And not only for 2007, but 2005 and 2006! Who gave out this prestigious award? Why Automatic Merchandiser “Providing the vending and OCS industry with valuable information for over 50 years.”

Who knew? I love random trade publications. And I love the internet. A decade ago I couldn’t have spent my work hours verifying product packaging claims! And sure enough, in the hotly contested world of Pastry, “Cloverhill Big Texas Cinnamon Bun was the only other return winner this year, grabbing top honors in the pastry category for the third straight year. The runner up in this category once again was Mrs. Freshley’s Jumbo Honey Bun.” [PP Adds- I’ve visited Mrs. Freshleys boarding house of horrors-Disgusting]

OMG, where can I find Mrs. Freshley’s Jumbo Honey Bun? And are they the same people responsible for Big Ben’s XL Beef Jerky.

But, it’s not only an Automatic Merchandiser award, it’s a Reader’s Choice award!! I ask you, is there anything more awesome than that? I do wonder why Peanut M&Ms don’t display their award on their wrapper? Well, some mysteries can never be unraveled.

But one thing is for sure. I will not rest until I can bring you the verdict, Delicious or Disgusting, on
White Castle Cheeseburger “reclaimed top honors in the food segment, marking the third time it has achieved this distinction. White Castle Cheeseburger also won the category’s top spot in 1997 and in 2000.”

That’s right people. Vended cheeseburgers.”

Burger King Ketchup And Fries Potato Snack

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Although I have to confess that Ketchup-flavoured snacks have been discussed elsewhere on this site, like here, these appeared to be a distinct snack entity. I understand that those of you who throw up a little in your mouths whilst contemplating a ketchup and potato combination will not be won over, but I hope that those of you on the fence, and who can’t travel to Canada to get proper Ketchup Lays, may be intrigued by this new snack.

Burger King is trying to sell it to the millions that enjoy ketchup on their french fries, especially the subset who like their fries crispy on the outside. What they’ve done here is cut potato strips in a roughly french fry rectangular shape. The potato strips are thicker than regular chips, but crunchy throughout. I like thick chips, so these work for me. The seasoning is very very similar to Lays ketchup seasoning in that it is tangy and robust. More salty than sweet, which is something I appreciate in ketchup flavour. Overall, an excellent product, and a great way to sate my thirst for ketchup chips. Personally, I could do with a bit more seasoning, but this is probably the right ratio.

Verdict: Delicious

Pancake Surprise

Hmm, what do we have here?

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Oh, no he won’t. Why, those lovely buttermilk pancakes already have delicious pure Canadian maple syrup on them. And tropical punch flavour? Really?

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Oh noes! He did do it! What will those Canadians think of next? But what happened then?

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It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and Batman and Robin are invited!

There is no possible overestimation of the awesomeness of Pop Rocks. Or Nutella.

Verdict: Delicious and effervescent!!!!!

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together???

A picture play!

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Mon dieu! C’est Canadian Recevez Cinq!

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Sacre bleu!

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Oh noes! They be charging 150 bucks for this at Alinea!

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Verdict: Surprisngly or unsurprisingly not disgusting!